


Growing Up

by tornyourdress



Category: Main Street - Martin
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-12-23
Updated: 2009-12-23
Packaged: 2017-10-05 01:39:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/36375
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tornyourdress/pseuds/tornyourdress
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Flora dreads growing up, and the changes that come with it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Growing Up

Flora Northrop had once dreaded becoming a teenager. It felt too much like change, and even as a kid she had known that change was not always a good thing. When she thought about teenagers she imagined Lydia Malone, who was sulky and rebellious and had gotten Nikki into trouble, which Flora could not forget even if she were to ever forgive it. Dr Malone had once told Min privately (Flora hadn't meant to eavesdrop, it had just happened) that he "despaired" of Lydia. It was "two steps forward and one step back" with her all the time. Flora never wanted Min to have to tell anyone – Mr Pennington? Gigi? Aunt Allie? – that she was despairing about her elder granddaughter.

Flora wanted to be the kind of girl that people would not notice, except occasionally when it was about things that were really more to do with what she had done than her as Flora. Whenever anyone complimented her on how she looked, she blushed and then got embarrassed about blushing which made it even worse. But whenever someone noticed a piece of clothing that she'd made, and said something nice about it, she was able to smile and say thank you. She liked the clothes that she made for herself, sometimes with Min's help but now more and more just the product of sewing days or sewing afternoons or mornings that she could find in between homework and her friends and the various events in Camden Falls. She liked contemplating the patterns, and altering them to suit her shape, and tried not to think too much about her own changing measurements as she filled out and became unavoidably older.

Olivia, still stick-thin, was jealous, but Flora couldn't understand why. It didn't seem fair that Olivia wanted so badly to have breasts and hips and look older, and still looked very much like what she was, the youngest girl in their grade, when Flora, who didn't want to look that way at all, found herself taken on a shopping trip with Olivia's mom. It was the most embarrassing thing in the world to be taken to a department store to buy _bras_. And she had to be _fitted_ for one. Min had suggested kindly that Mary Woolsey could measure Flora beforehand, but that had made Flora run to her room and slam the door, which only made her feel more like a teenager and it was horrible. At least if someone had to measure her let it be the closest thing to a complete stranger that Camden Falls could offer, so that she could quickly forget it had ever happened.

***

When they all started eighth grade, Flora and Olivia and Willow walking from the Row House to school and then meeting Nikki where her bus dropped kids off, it was not like starting seventh grade. For starters, Willow had not yet moved to the Row Houses when they had started at the high school. Then there was the fact that they were now no longer the youngest kids in school. It made all the difference. There were smaller, scared kids hurrying around the halls, and even though Flora felt sorry for them, she also felt safe and content knowing that she was now at ease in this school. These were good changes, things that made Flora happy.

Then there were the bad changes, like when Nikki stopped coming to the book club because she was volunteering at Sheltering Arms and had so much homework – Nikki was already thinking about needing to be the best student she could possibly be so that she could get a scholarship and go to college – that she had to pick one or the other. Flora understood the reasons for Nikki's decision, but it didn't make it any easier to be left in the book club meetings watching Olivia and Jacob sitting there holding hands and spending so much time gazing at each other that they hardly said anything about the book they were all supposed to have read.

And Ruby spent so much time rehearsing for plays and musicals and dance recitals that Flora hardly saw her, and the four of them hardly ever spent time together at Needle &amp; Thread, and when Flora tried to enlist one of her best friends or her sister to help her teach a sewing class to kids, they were all busy.

Suddenly it seemed as though she was the only one who cared about the things she was interested in, like books and crafts, even though once upon a time they had all done things together, and shared their interests, and not been so separate.

Willow offered to help her with classes, and still went to the book club, and even though Flora knew that Willow's best friends were Claudette and Mary Louise in the same way Flora's best friends were Nikki and Olivia, it helped a little. It also scared Flora a little, because Willow was somehow like Lydia. Willow had sneaked out of her house to go to a dance. Willow had ignored her mother's rule about being under house arrest. Even if Willow's mother's rules had been the product of her illness, it was still rule-breaking. It was still being defiant. It was still that thing that Flora associated with being a teenager, even if Willow's mom was at home again and on medication and better and Willow didn't need to break any rules. There was still a hint of the possibility that she might.

***

"Who in our grade would you want to kiss?" Willow asked her once. Flora was babysitting Grace Fong and Willow had come over, which Flora knew was okay with the Fongs because they knew and trusted Willow and they also knew Flora would still be a responsible babysitter even if she had a friend over.

Flora considered the question. She thought about all the boys in their grade, and how Olivia was Jacob's girlfriend, and how Nikki had a crush on a boy in her biology class, and how Flora never noticed whether a boy was good-looking or not, not really. She noticed whether he was nice, maybe, in the same way she noticed whether girls were likely to be friendly or mean, but she didn't think about anyone. She had never even thought about kissing any of them, and now Willow was asking as though it was assumed she had carefully contemplated this before.

"No one," she finally said, and she was startled to find that there was a lump in her throat.

Willow looked at her for a moment but didn't ask her any more questions. She just shrugged.

Flora didn't trust herself not to start crying right then and there, so she didn't ask the same question of Willow. Willow, who was tall and slender and probably could choose whoever she wanted to kiss. Willow, who had breasts but didn't seem self-conscious about them, who looked like she fitted in her body. Willow had probably already kissed a boy. Maybe even two. But Flora didn't feel as though she could ask that either.

***

At the end of eighth grade there was a dance for seventh and eighth graders and because Olivia and Nikki both had dates, dates who _kissed_ them right there on the dance floor before one of the chaperones stepped in and told them to "cool it", Flora went with Willow and Claudette and Mary Louise in a group. Before the dance, Flora went over to Willow's house and watched Willow put on make-up and even let Willow put a little bit on her, but not too much. She didn't want to look like a different person.

"You don't," Willow said. "It just makes you look more like you – if you do it right, it just emphasises the parts of you that make you pretty."

Flora turned bright red.

"And yes, Flora Northrop, you _are_ pretty," Willow laughed.

Flora wasn't sure whether she was more pleased, if embarrassed, that Willow had said that or that Willow had known what she was thinking. That she had been thinking that she wasn't in the least bit pretty, especially compared to someone like Willow.

Flora had hoped that they would spend the dance laughing and talking amongst themselves, but instead they spent the evening whispering about boys and how cute they looked and whether Mary Louise should dare go over to someone and ask him to dance or if that would make everyone think she was a loser. By the time it was over, all she wanted to do was curl up in bed with a good book and not have to think about boys or the complexities of dance etiquette ever again.

***

Starting ninth grade made her feel very small, almost worse than starting seventh grade. She had been nervous but excited then, and at least she had had her best friends. Now she was starting in the main building of the school, not the safe separate wing she had spent most of the past two years in. Now she walked to school with Olivia, Willow and Ruby. She hadn't seen much of Nikki over the summer, so she didn't wait for the bus to arrive. Maybe Nikki didn't want her to. Ruby disappeared the second they reached the high school, already completely at home in her new environment – but then of course Ruby would be. Olivia looked around for Jacob, and vanished the second she saw him.

Flora tried very very hard not to burst into tears, and it didn't work. Willow pulled her by the hand to a girls' bathroom near the science lab, which was deserted apart from a girl who had to be in eleventh grade at the very _least_ who was smoking a cigarette out the window.

Flora was still sniffling as Willow said something to the girl about one of the teachers being on their way, though relieved when they were alone and she wasn't sobbing like a baby in front of someone so – so – _teenage_.

Willow hugged her very hard for a long time, long enough for the first bell to have gone and for both of them to be well and truly late for first period. And Flora didn't even care, because it was the start of ninth grade and she had no best friends anymore and she didn't want to be here at all and if she was late then _so what?_

Then she realised that the beautiful girl who was looking at her, her face filled with worry, was maybe a best friend now. This was yet another change, but a good one, Flora decided.

"Are you going to be okay?" Willow asked, looking as if _she_ was about to cry.

"Yes," Flora said firmly, and she dried her eyes, and decided to be brave. "_You _ made things okay."

Willow was definitely blinking back tears now. "I'm glad I – could – help," she whispered, and then Flora squeezed her hand because she thought she understood.

"This is something you can help with," Flora said. "This is just being upset and needing a friend. It's not –" But that was something she couldn't say. _It's not like what your mother has. It's not an illness, it's just life and needing to cry sometimes and needing a good friend by your side to make things a bit better._

They stayed in that bathroom until the bell went and it was second period and both of them felt a little bit more ready to face ninth grade.

***

"I heard that Daniel Matthews asked you out," Olivia said to Willow one day as they were walking to school. Some days it was only Willow and Flora who walked to school together. There was no automatic ringing of doorbells to see if someone was ready, not anymore. It was left up to chance, because even if Olivia was no longer Flora's best friend, she was still someone Flora would smile at and wave over if they were all leaving their houses at the same time.

"Yeah," Willow said, and said nothing else, even though even Flora knew this was a big deal. Dan was considered one of the cutest and nicest boys in their school. And why hadn't Willow told her about this anyway?

"I can't believe you turned him down," Olivia continued. "He'd be a great boyfriend. If I wasn't going out with Jacob, I would _totally_ have a crush on him."

When, Flora wondered, had Olivia started saying _totally_ with quite so much emphasis?

"Maybe I don't want a boyfriend," Willow said.

"Ever?" Olivia asked quickly, and Flora bit her lip. Olivia the genius, trying to fit people into categories. She could see it.

Willow was silent.

"I mean, I'm just wondering," Olivia continued. "If you, um, never want one. Because some people don't. And some people want, you know –"

"Olivia, stop it," Flora snapped.

Olivia opened her mouth, and then closed it again. "So how are you guys finding algebra?"

Flora was still shaking a little bit, and still could not meet Willow's eyes, by the time they arrived at school. "See you later," she mumbled to the ground, and fled.

***

What she wanted was a day off, a day of sewing and thinking and clearing her head. She did not want to be sitting in class and expected to pay attention. If you did not pay attention, then the teachers paid attention to you. They called on you, knowing that you would not know the answer, just to teach you a lesson, and then everyone paid attention to you, knowing that your mind was elsewhere.

Flora hated that kind of attention even more than the positive kind. It was attention for all the wrong reasons.

She did not want to be noticed for the wrong reasons.

At lunch, she sat next to some girls from her history class instead of seeking out the end of that long table in the corner which always had a handful of people sitting at it, but in a way quite different to the large chattering groups that sat in the centre of the cafeteria. At this table, you could just sit and be out of the way and not feel self-conscious about not being part of a huge group. It was the table she and Willow always sat at.

Flora forced herself not to look over in the direction of that table, to see if Willow was sitting there alone.

***

Flora managed to avoid Willow for nearly two whole days, which was something of an accomplishment. She felt guilty about it, but also confused and unsettled. She wasn't sure what she wanted to say or do or even if anything needed to be said. She replayed what Olivia had said over and over again. Maybe Willow did want a boyfriend someday. Maybe by snapping at Olivia, Flora seemed like someone who didn't. Maybe Willow was _glad_ Flora hadn't called her on the phone or knocked on her door after school.

Min, of course, sensed that something was upsetting her granddaughter. "Is there anything you want to talk about, Flora?" she asked over dinner on the second day.

Flora shook her head suddenly, and Ruby continued to prattle on about her singing class. But after dinner, when she was helping Min to clear away the dishes, she asked, "Do you think it's okay if I don't want a boyfriend?"

Min looked at her thoughtfully. "What's brought this on?"

Flora couldn't quite find the words for it. "Olivia was talking about boyfriends, and it just seems like a lot of girls my age have one, or want one, and spend all their time thinking about how much they want one . . ."

"It seems to me," Min said, "that you have other things to do with your time."

"But –" And again Flora could not find the words. What did she want to ask? It seemed as though having a boyfriend, or wanting to have one, was part of growing up, something that she would be expected to do sooner or later. Unless she decided that she wanted – no, that was an idea that made her nervous and shaky.

"If you have things that you love doing, and people that you love, then isn't that the important thing?" Min asked her.

It felt too simple for the complex tangle of thoughts inside Flora's head, but she nodded anyway.

The next morning, she rang Willow's doorbell and they walked to school together, just the two of them.

***

It was less than a fortnight later that they were at Willow's locker when a group of boys from tenth grade started saying mean things about Willow. Flora guessed one of them, if not more, wanted to ask her out, and that they were just scared to do so. They were like kids, even though they looked almost grown-up. It didn't mean she wasn't scared.

"Leave her alone," Flora said, only to have one of the boys come closer to her, backing her up against the row of lockers. She wasn't sure what he was going to do. He leaned in as though he might kiss her, which made no sense and made her feel frantic and desperate. If there was one thing she was sure of it was that she did not want him to kiss her.

"You," he said into her ear, low, "are just as bad as her. Dyke."

She had heard the word before. She knew what it meant. And then Flora started laughing, and the boy looked at her in disgust and left her alone, and when she kept laughing, his friends left Willow alone, and she was still laughing and she wasn't sure why.

"What did he say to you?" Willow asked curiously.

"He called me a name. Like we're still in kindergarten." Suddenly Flora felt very light, as though she might start floating. "Are you all right?" She took Willow's hand and squeezed.

Willow nodded. Flora held on to her hand anyway.

***

Olivia came over to her house a few days later. "You know people are talking about you," she said. "You and Willow."

Flora could feel her face getting hot even though she desperately wished she was the kind of girl who would not care or blush during a conversation like this.

"Flora," Olivia said firmly, and for a moment Flora felt eleven again, with Olivia as her best friend. "Do you _like_ Willow?"

"Well, so what if I do?" she burst out. "So what?"

"So," Olivia said, "so I'm _happy_ for you guys, that's all. I just wanted to make sure."

For some reason this made Flora sad. Maybe because Olivia was talking as though _Flora and Willow_ was like Olivia and Jacob. As though it was something they had talked about and used words like _love_ about.

Or maybe it was because even though she didn't want to be noticed, there were some things people couldn't help noticing, no matter what.

***

There were some things that made Flora glad she was a teenager. Things that meant extra responsibility and being trusted. One Saturday she was left in charge of closing up the store after a class that she was teaching, with Willow's help, about how to make your old clothes look new and cool by adding patches or embroidery or sequins or anything else anyone wanted. Willow was wearing a patchwork skirt that Flora had made for her birthday, which showed off her long legs and distracted Flora from helping a sixth grader with the patches she was sewing on to a blazer.

Once everyone had left, it was even harder to concentrate. She was supposed to be tidying up, not looking at Willow. She stood with a roll of fabric in her arms, unsure of where it went.

"You're miles away," Willow said, taking the fabric out of her arms and setting it on one of the comfortable couches.

Flora had a number of things she wanted to say. About what Olivia had said, about what that boy had said to her, about what Min had said. But all she could think was that the front door to the store was locked and they were alone and she wanted very badly to do something she had never done before.

She had to tilt her face up, just a little bit, so that she could press her own lips against Willow's. And then once she had done that it was so easy, the way their mouths fitted together and Willow's arms curved around her waist and they were both smiling and kissing and happy.

So this was what it was like.

She was very glad they had the store to themselves that Saturday evening.

***

On the first day of tenth grade, Flora Northrop walked to school with her girlfriend.

People had mostly stopped noticing by now. That was something Flora had learned: once you were noticed, you had to keep doing new and exciting things for people to go on noticing you, the way Ruby did. Otherwise you became part of the background again, except to the people who mattered.

To the people who mattered, you were in the spotlight.

It was a kind of noticing that Flora had decided was a very good thing.


End file.
